The Virtual Red Carpet
July 9, 2020
Waking Pet
July 25, 2020
When you put a large group of people all in one place, you’re bound to have disagreements and irreconcilable differences pop up from time to time. There are going to be conflicting beliefs, values, processes, and ideologies, and some people just aren’t going to be able to come together enough to see eye to eye. That’s human nature and that’s okay. While respecting one another should be a given, we just aren’t going to be able to get along with everyone.
However, there is a big distinction between a difference of opinion and a deception. Unfortunately, what invaded the Twitter #WritingCommunity this week was the latter – a fraudulence of the worst kind.
I took some time yesterday to read and bring myself up to speed with the crime. It is a sad situation, indeed, with many people left feeling hurt and betrayed.
To any of you who are close to the events to which I am referring, I want to be clear and say that I was not directly affected nor did I know this individual on a personal level. The purpose of this post is not to claim that I was among those harmed.
So, if I wasn’t involved, why am I writing about it? Two reasons:
1 – The perpetrator used the excuse of hiding behind a pen name for purposes of acceptance within the erotica genre.
2 – He admitted to needing an outlet for his kinks and attempted to (falsely) wrap that into a ‘coming out’ of sorts.
Number one should be of importance to all writers who are considering crafting their words under a name other than their own. What is it? Pen name, pseudonym, nom de plume. Doesn’t matter what you call it – it just means that you are writing under a fictitious name.
Are you allowed to do this? Will other authors respect your decision? Is it acceptable to readers?
The answer to all three is yes. You are well within your rights to use this type of mask. Furthermore, you don’t even have to give a reason for it. Maybe it’s because you want to keep your writing separate from your personal life. Perhaps you’re writing in a genre that wouldn’t be accepted by friends and family. It could be something as simple as being an author in multiple genres and you want to keep them segregated from each other. You may even feel that you would do better in a particular genre if you were perceived as being the opposite sex.
Whatever your motivation, if you choose to use a pseudonym, no one should fault you for it as long as you have no intent to harm anyone.
Now, again, I wasn’t personally affected by the events of the week, but number two strikes a chord with me because I am an erotic romance writer…what is oft referred to as a kinkster, a smut scribbler. This is not a genre for the intolerant or deceptive. As long as no one is getting hurt, I feel it is part of my job description to be a supporter of what fires a person’s engines on all cylinders. It doesn’t have to be ‘my thing.’ Hell, I may even find ‘your thing’ a little odd. But if it turns you on, I will one hundred percent have your back.
Let’s back up to this for a minute – as long as no one is getting hurt. This is where both of my points intertwine.
What are you not allowed to do?
You are not allowed to take number one and use it to be deceitful about number two. Using a pen name of the opposite gender does not give you the right to privately market yourself in that nature thereby lying to those with whom you want to explore your kinks.
I don’t care what your gender or sexual orientation is – it is not okay to be underhanded when it comes to matters of a private nature. This is predatory. Never mind the fact that it will ruin your writing career…there are human beings on the receiving end of your duplicity. People who believe you and trust you enough to enter into a shared moment. People who are happy they’ve found someone who they believe thinks like them.
History can show us many examples of authors who have used pseudonyms for a variety of reasons. Two that I can think of off the top of my head, because I have them in my library, are Anne Rice writing as Anne Rampling and A.N. Roquelaure, respectively, when she published erotica. And J.K. Rowling writing as Robert Galbraith when she branched away from Harry Potter.
Which brings me to another point to consider. As a friend said to me yesterday in the midst of the Twitter chaos, the truth always comes out. Even with the best intentions. Everyone now knows it was Anne Rice who wrote Exit to Eden. And it took about two point five seconds for the world to find out Galbraith is the esteemed Rowling.
Maybe if your author success becomes synonymous with the likes of their talent you won’t care who knows about the real person behind the name. But you’re definitely going to give a damn if you’ve used that name deceptively and your career is over b
efore it started.
There is a reason why the BDSM community uses the words ‘safe, sane, and consensual.’ In my opinion, though, this doesn’t just apply to pretzelizing your Pet in your latest shibari attempt. Those three words should be taken into consideration when entering into any form of sexual play. Think of the other person.
I realize it was the LGBTQ circle that was impacted by the liar among us, but everyone is susceptible and we all have feelings.
Some key kinky points:
– Don’t ever suggest, request, task, or command a partner to do something that could physically harm them.
– Stop and ask yourself if what you’re doing conforms with the mental health and well-being needs of both you and your partner.
– Be upfront and honest about yourself and your desires, and make sure your partner is in agreement with the exploration.
What to think about if you are using or are considering a pseudonym:
– Ask yourself what your motivation is and evaluate all of your options before choosing one. If you find yourself thinking in terms of nefarious intentions, do not go any further until you get help with these tendencies.
– Do your research about your genre of choice and what works best within the niche.
– Think ahead! I can’t stress this one enough. Take a look at the trail of heartache that is left from this week’s fallout and evaluate what you’re going to do if you find yourself getting close to people who want to be your friend…or more.
To wrap this up on a positive note, I would like to say that I believe the literary world is mostly one of honesty and caring. I know there are a lot of people who are waking up this morning feeling used and demoralized, and they’re questioning how well they know their online community; how well they know friends who are, in some cases, privy to more about them than lifelong connections.
It is my belief that while we have to exercise caution, the #WritingCommunity is still one that offers support, tolerance, and genuine 
folks. There are predators everywhere, so keep your eyes open, but don’t let that jade you against all the good your fellow authors have to offer. That includes exploring your kinks when the right time arises.
For everyone else, use your nom de plumes wisely and make sure that whatever name you choose to show the world, you’re also being true to yourself and those around you as well. The best things come to those who stand on solid principles.
Now, show some kindness today, go write, and…stay kinky!
21 Comments
Well said, Nik! It has been a stressful day and many people are feeling guilty because they had knowledge of the predators real gender in advance. I would add to your post that the fault always lies with the victimizer, not the victim.
Excellent point, H! As always. 🙂 No one should blame themselves for being taken in by this person.
As for those who knew about his real gender, to my knowledge none of them knew what he was doing, so they aren’t to blame for keeping what they thought was a simple pen name secret.
And while you’re here, I’m going to expose you as the wise one who said, “The truth always comes out.” 😀
I never equated using a pen name with being underhanded. It’s just something writers do from time to time. I was a member of an online community years ago and my username was known to people offline. In retrospect, one could see that as a pen name. Writing under a name other than yours. I used it to grab the attention of someone online as I felt it would be inappropriate to do it offline due to our differences in business status. Stupid, I admit, but we all do stupid things sometimes. At least I didn’t do what that person did. We both worked in the same place. It ended up not going anywhere, but I never mislead the person or presented myself as something I was not. (Maybe that’s why it never went anywhere.) That’s just not something you do online or off.
As for Twitter, well, it’s Twitter. Not exactly the bastion of online intellectualism. That said, I would look at this controversy in that light. It was a dirty thing what that “Tweeter” did, but let’s keep this in perspective. If it happened somewhere else on the internet where people are expected to be mature adults having mature conversations that are not limited in character length, it should be seen as a worse offense than on………………..Twitter.
I think Donald Trump has given that platform more legitimacy than it deserves. Does it have a purpose in today’s society? Of course. But I think it should always be viewed for what it is, a place to spout off your opinion in 280 characters or less. How serious can one get under those guidelines? Does it have a purpose in marketing your skills or business? Of course. But this person had a personal agenda, and that’s a whole other animal.
I agree with both of you, though It was wrong.
Hi, DTF – thanks for reading! I appreciate your thoughts, but with all due respect, you’re missing the point of the misleading deed. To begin with, these weren’t conversations taking place in “280 characters or less.” These were direct messages involving sexual content and intimate photographs. And because the perpetrator is a man, he pretended to be a woman in order to bait gay and bi women into these sexting sessions. As far as I’m concerned, that qualifies as a cyber assault.
Regarding it taking place on Twitter, I have two points about that. First, with as much as the internet has connected us and with so many people now meeting online, those of us who are honest and forthcoming need to hold those who want to be shady to a higher standard. And if they can’t live up to it, there are a whole lot of genuine folks who will gladly put them in their place. The author in this case was driven off of Twitter, Facebook, Amazon, and a number of other sites, if I’m not mistaken. So, before you even wonder what a bunch of irate cyber acquaintances can do to make their point, the answer is quite a bit. As I understand it, his author career is basically in ruins, all because he chose to be dishonest about himself in a kinky realm.
And last but not least, this took place in the #WritingCommunity. It doesn’t sound like you’re familiar with this sector of Twitter, but you should know this is not “general” Twitter. There may be thousands of us in the Community and there may even be the occasional disagreement, but at the end of the day, the tone and expectation is respect, support, and sincerity among those of us who use the hashtag. When one of us is hurt, we all feel the pain. When one of us has success, we all celebrate. The true community aspect of it is critical to it serving its purpose.
It’s for that reason that I believe these women felt comfortable trusting and becoming intimate with the author. No doubt they would have exercised more caution anywhere else, but within the Community, hurtful deceit is not something we anticipate. We trust our brothers and sisters who take this journey with us. And we are often closer to these people than we are to those who have personally known us for decades.
For all of these reasons, I will not sweep this under the rug as an internet/social media issue. It was a painful crime.
I’m not familiar with #WritingCommunity either but thank you for explaining it a bit more in this reply. At first I thought the same as Double did. I didn’t know there were communities inside of Twitter.
What a sad and scary thing to be part of. Trusting someone with such personal and intimate thoughts and having it be a scam. I’m glad this community stood together and “ran” this imposter out.
Despite the drama we had with these catfish, I still can’t say enough wonderful things about the #WritingCommunity. The support and advice I’ve found there has been invaluable. 😀
I wasn’t aware that there were these groups inside of Twitter either. I’m glad to hear that he was found out and that no one was physically hurt. What a shame though that someone did this.
Honestly that is scary, a scary situation! These women trusted this person and he portrayed to be something he wasn’t. Well I do understand that some people write under a different name (and there are many reasons why) but this was crazy.
I hope the writing community sticks together and helps these victims out.
It was sad, indeed, and I’m sorry to say that we had another such incident yesterday. Many people write under pen names and there’s nothing wrong with that, but anyone who is being lying and deceitful should know they are ruining their future because it will come out. It always does.
Another incident like the first one, so close to the first one. Didn’t this new person see what happened to the first guy? Do you think there are a lot more people doing this and now it’s being caught? I can’t imagine people trying now once they see that other writers are watching out.
The person at the center of this latest incident did indeed see what happened with the first one. And he doubled down on his female persona, which only served to make matters worse when it came out.
I’m with you, Charli, and I can’t imagine anyone else wanting to take the risk, but if we’ve learned anything in recent months, it’s that common sense isn’t a flower that grows in everyone’s garden.
Holy smokes! What a terrible thing to do and from the looks of your comments it happens more often than we think. I am glad it all comes out in the end! I hope that these writers do fail. You would think that they would learn from the others failures.
I took some time last night to finally watch the TV show Catfish. I think we all know these things happen, but it still blows me away that there are enough deceitful people out there to warrant a television show. And when it comes to the catfish in the #WritingCommunity, why they would want to risk their careers for it is beyond me.
I watched Catfish a few times. I really didn’t like the show. Why anyone would pretend to be someone else and hurt other people is beyond me. I think it’s crazy that they would try to do this and ruin their careers.
I have watched Catfish a few times too. I’m sure there are many people who do this. Wasn’t there a college football player who fell for this? The person who is acting like someone else must be pretty believable. Either way, writing, texting or talking, and pretending to be someone you aren’t is hurtful.
Yes, now that I think about it there was. He’s an NFL player now, I believe. Manti Te’o, he played for Notre Dame when the whole thing took place.
People are crazy and hurtful. I’m glad that it is being caught and brought to life.
I watched Catfish a few times too but thought it was wrong. People pretending to be other people to trick others. I don’t know why people think it is okay to hurt others. I’m glad they found the person who was hurting others.
It’s something that most of us can’t comprehend. I suppose when people believe they won’t be accepted for who they are, or if they feel too insecure to present as themselves, this is what happens. That’s no excuse, though, because there are other ways to work through those issues. Deceiving people is not the way to go.
I really appreciate this point. As someone who is LGBTQ, I have so much anxiety around being accepted for who I am. But I also wouldn’t pretend to be someone and something I’m not in order to trick innocent people. Finding your people is a scary and difficult process, but so worth it. Lies and deception won’t solve the problem
Any predator is a bad situation, but because this person preyed on gay and bi women, it made it all the worse for the reasons you mentioned. A group that is trying to fight for their voice shouldn’t have to worry about a wolf in the crowd. {Hugs}
I agree, because like your friend said, the truth always comes out. I really don’t know what people hope to achieve with this kind of behavior. This is terrible!